While we were staying there I became very fascinated (okay, more like obsessed) with the family that once called this place “their vacation home.” Going up the stairs were literally hundreds of photographs in a collage style showing, sectioned by year, going back to what looked like the early 1970’s.  As I walked up the stairs I could see the people getting older, people vanishing from the pictures, then more people joining the gathering of friends and family.  I saw Christmas times, thanksgivings, spring breaks, etc. Toward the end years, I saw the person that started out as the young mom of the family in a wheelchair with her family gathered around her.

I was able to pick out (or so I thought) this woman’s best years.  I showed my family.  I am sure I drove them nuts.  I just kept saying, “Look, these were this family’s best years” while pointing to somewhere in the middle. The years of happy faces, large gatherings, and many age groups.  Then, (if you know me you know how I am) I started getting all sentimental.  I began thinking and voicing (of course), “What if these are the best days of our lives?”  This is about the time I went out and took some amazing photos of my kids flying kites on the dunes.

That condo has stuck in my mind ever since.  When I look back at my life, I can pick out my “best years.”  My family was complete in 2000.  We had Tommy, Katrina was starting kindergarten, Brittany was a year and half, we moved to Red Bluff, our house was finished being built.  It was a great year and just seemed to get better every year.  I had a truly amazing life.  All those years from 2000-2009 were amazing.  Each year the kids got older and able to do more “Botell Family Fun” things.

So, this is where I have been so stuck.  My best years are over.  This has been weighing me down.  It can never be what it once was.  Tommy is gone.  I know he is in Heaven, but that does not make me miss him any less.  It does not make the holidays any easier or any other day for that matter.  I have been struggling so hard with trying to go on when there is nothing in me that wants to.  I have prayed about it and asked God to please help me.  I do not want to be the person I am becoming, a joyless and hopeless mom, wife, and friend.

My prayer was answered, I woke up the other morning to Tom kissing me goodbye, as he does every morning, and in a half asleep state of mind I said, “What if our best days are yet to come?”  I have no idea where that came from but I got up and wrote it on my bathroom mirror.  It flipped a switch in my mind.  What if those were the best days of my life but there are more best days to come?  Yes, I know, more best days is improper grammar, but it is the best way to convey what I mean and as Tommy would say, “Doesn’t matter cuz I like the sound of it” haha. This one little change in my thought process has knocked me right out of the pity party I was having for myself; all of the sudden I felt some joy and hope.

It is Christmas time.  I still have two children here on earth.  I must have joy and hope.  If not for me then for them.  I have to keep on showing them strength, faith, and perseverance.  I miss my son with every ounce of my being that is never going to change.  His days here on earth were my best days, for sure, but what if I have more “best days”…..what if?  Ever since I woke up with the “what if” thought we have had some amazing things happen through other people.  They have brought so much joy to my family.  I am still not “doing” the whole Christmas thing, but in an amazing way, a very kind person has insured the fact that my girls, Tom, and I will have a wonderful Christmas Day.  Joyful things just keep coming too….
I just received a call from our pastor.  He would like my family to light the advent candles this Sunday.  I am honored.  What if?……….

These were THE BEST days. I am hopeful that we may have more “best days” ahead. You never know…what IF?
I Love you Tommy.          Merry Christmas.

I guess we will do what we have done for the past Thanksgivings since Tommy has been gone. We will help serve the community a Thanksgiving meal at a local church, and then visit Tommy’s memorial bricks. I enjoy serving the community. It makes me feel like my life has some purpose and meaning. These people are so grateful too. So unlike many, myself included, who at times feel entitled to not only large meals but everything in life. Could you imagine if all of us were stripped of everything and then handed a few things at a time. How grateful we would all be, huh? I guess that is how the people in our community feel when they are served a hot meal on Thanksgiving….they feel so grateful.  Many of them have had some very tough years, have lost hope, and feel like giving up. I have been there before; felt the feeling of wanting to give up on life, filled with hopelessness. I am sure many, if not all of us, have at one time or another. The power that a kind gesture can have on a person is quite amazing. It can make all the difference in someone’s life.

If you are reading this and feel so inclined, please take a moment to give thanks for what you have, even if it is not everything you wish it to be. Give Thanks for the children in your life. Give Thanks for the family and friends that you have (on Earth and in Heaven). Give Thanks for warm meals and places to rest your head. Give Thanks for All Things. It is amazing how much a grateful heart can help  a person. I started this feeling broken, but I am ending it a little less broken (if that makes any sense). We have been invited to spend our Thanksgiving evening at a friend’s house. I am grateful to have friends that want to share this day with us.

I have a poster size version of this picture in my bedroom. It was taken in November 2008. This was Tommy’s last Grandparents Day/Thanksgiving Feast at his school. I was not supposed to be with Tommy on this day that year. Grandma Carolyn, Tom, and I used to switch off every year between the three kids we had at Reeds Creek School. It was Grandma Carolyn’s year to be with Tommy, but we decided since it was Katrina’s last year at RC (8th grade) Grandma should go to her classroom. I happened to have both the camera and the camcorder. I was going to give one to Tom when he showed up to be with Brittany, but he was running late because of work so the celebration began and I just kept both devices. Oh..how grateful I am.

Tommy was chosen to be the narrator for the Thanksgiving play in his classroom. I was not only able see it but record it as well! He did so well. Mrs. Cooper (the super pooper scooper, as the kids called her:) came up to me after the play and said that when she auditioned the kids for the part of narrator Tommy blew her away. She said he was such an articulate speaker.  She said she had been worried about filling the part until she heard him read. Another great moment as Tommy’s mom.

He made the black vest he was wearing out of paper. He was very proud of his part in the play. He was such a gentleman at the feast. A very good day indeed. I can’t watch the video yet (hurts), but I am grateful to know that I have it. I am grateful to have this incredible picture with my son. I am so grateful to have this memory of our last Grandparents Day/Thanksgiving School Celebration.  Enjoy your Thanksgiving and remember to Give Thanks.

Never shall I forget the blood.
Never shall I forget the bright lights, the smell of alcohol.
Never shall I forget the worried looks, the tears.
Never shall I forget the feeling of not knowing whether I would wake up the next morning.

Never shall I forget the loneliness.
Never shall I forget the knowing that there was more bad news to come.
Never shall I forget the need to stay awake, the pain.
Never shall I forget wondering why God had let this happen.
Never.

He was an amazing kid. He was kind, he was funny, and he was so smart. He loved life. He used to say that his life could not get any better; it was perfect. We miss his outlook on life, his cheerful smile, and his laughter. No matter what he was doing he always did his best..it was his cub scout motto and he lived it.

Tommy was in the top of his class. He loved learning and doing well at school. A couple months after he passed away we received his 3rd grade star testing results. He was advanced in all areas. He would have been so proud of himself. We were so very proud of him.

This academic achievement award was created in Honor of Tommy. Funds for this award come from the annual Tommy Botell basketball tournament that all of you, so graciously, put on every year in memory of our brother. We would like to thank all of you and would like to especially thank Mr. and Mrs. Hosler.

Tommy’s life had so much meaning. Events like the basketball tournament help to keep his meaningful life going. For this we will always be grateful to the Reeds Creek community. We are now able to take all the funds from the Tommy Botell basketball tournament and create fun ways to give back to Reeds Creek students, past and present.

A couple of weeks ago, with funds from the basketball tournament, my family was able to award a deserving Reeds Creek School graduate with a college scholarship. Class of 2011, please look for this award when you are a senior. You are all eligible for it. Just stay focused in high school. Get good grades, make plans for your future and live Tommy’s Motto; do your best. We hope to see an application from each one of you in 2015.

Now on to the first annual Tommy Botell academic achievement award. This award is based on academic performance. It is given to the two students with the highest GPA’s of the class of 2011.This award consists of their names being placed on a plaque which will be displayed at the school, a brand new HP laptop, and a 50 dollar American express card.

We are very proud to announce that the first Tommy Botell academic achievement award goes to…..Faith Winieki and Danielle Mincer.

The families of Reeds Creek School jumped right in to help us and give us comfort. Out of love for us and Tommy they created the Tommy Botell Basketball tournament. The money raised at this tournament is going straight back to the kids of Reeds Creek school by way of various awards and scholarships. The Tommy Botell Basketball Tournament funds this Tommy Botell Memorial Scholarship.

Qualifications are simple: attend Reeds Creek school from 4th thru 8th grade the years Tommy could not, and be an 8th grade graduate of Reeds Creek School. Well…if you know how small our school is then you know that narrows things down quite a bit. We had 3 applications to choose from. You would think that would make it easier but it didn’t because we know these kids, we know their families…. and they’re all great.

However, Reed Creek school principal Jake Hosler, my family, and I unanimously agreed that the person we have chosen is a perfect fit to receive the first Tommy Botell scholarship. She comes from one of those incredible families. They are always out at the school lending a hand to anyone in need. They are at every Tommy event, helping and giving us their support.

This girl is definitely a product of a loving and supportive family. She is caring, she is bright, and she is driven. She wants to help, as she calls them “all the creatures of our planet”. She wants to be zoologist, help save endangered animals, and find ways to protect ecosystems. She will be going to Cal Poly and majoring in Biology. No doubt in mind….she is going to be successful. She is Ms. Katie Parks.